...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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