My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
