Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
