Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
