I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm at about main and main street
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
