I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize