She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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