just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
