Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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