Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
