it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
