he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
