I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
