So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
