I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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