you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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