Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i think my cat just said my name.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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