Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
