We're facebook friends in real life
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
