I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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