did you get engaged???
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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