and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
