And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
