the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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