she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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