Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
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