'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
