Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
