Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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