So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Did I show you my penis last night?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
