Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
