I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
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This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
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I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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