Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
