Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
