We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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