Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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