We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
