Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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