If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
