I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
