Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
