he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
