I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we have pet lesbian snakes
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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