My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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