I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
