ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
