why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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