she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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