I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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