How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
