I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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