those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
