this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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