just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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