I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
