im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
