Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
