I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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